Fiance is a Funny Word

Lots to share. I am really scatterbrained today. More so than usual. I wish I had the mental capacity to write something detailed and witty or annoying, about the past week, but alas, I do not.... many apologies!

The kids have been staying with us (read: devouring everything in the kitchen) for the past week and a half. It's been quite entertaining, especially with all of the snow. (which is rapidly melting.)

The girls and I baked a Pumpkin pie and a Cherry pie for Christmas, did I tell you that already? Both of which were devoured! (YAY!) This is the first year I've made pies, usually I bring the rolls (it's traditionally safer that way) but everyone loved the pies and they have officially become my assignment. I was a little bit sad because no one ate my mom's apple or pecan pies. Except me of course, I heart Pecan Pie and I like that my mom makes one even if I'm the only one who eats it!

Christmas night... my love PROPOSED!
He went to The Shane Co, Christmas eve, and picked up the ring that we had previously decided was not going to be purchased, in favor of paying off the truck and saving for a down payment.
He spent the entirety of Christmas day trying to ask my dad. Between myself, my uncles, a fried turkey, and the mass of children playing in the snow, the opportunity did not present itself until I was getting the last of the boxes to take home.
(seriously. packing up Christmas gifts for 6 people is comparable to moving.)
Dad said, "You seem like a great guy. We would love to welcome you to the family."
(awww! I teared up when he told me that my father said that. When my bro-in-law asked to marry my sis dad said "I guess. You'll have to ask her.")
I'm engaged. I have a Fiance ... fee-on-say ... hmmm
(sounds so. formal.)

anywhoo... (I don't really know what else to say about this at this juncture.)

Monkey lost one of her front teeth yesterday. She looks like a pirate and has a very adorable lisp going. When she lost her bottom two teeth, she flushed them both down the toilet! She threw this tooth in the garbage and the girls were kind enough to fish it out then call me and tell me the news. When I left for work this morning there was another, mysterious, silver dollar in the baggie on the counter.

She left the tooth fairy a note under her chalk board saying: Tooth Fairy, my tooth is on the counter. that way you wont wake up the girls. love, pirate princess monkey hannah montana. (this is her new given name by the way.)

The Crazy Horse Lady is due home today, after a month on the road. I'm not much looking forward to her return and I pray that it will be short. Any more than a week, I may start looking for temporary housing in the barn...

There is my short recap. Wedding plans and House hunting adventures are sure to trickle through in many upcoming posts. and I promise (I hope) the pin-wheel effect of my brain will slow and I will come up with something note-worthy to post about.

~cheers!

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas!

Good Morning (or afternoon, or evening) Happy Christmas Eve (or Merry Christmas or day after)!

Cheers and stuff! I hope you're staying warm and feeling loved and blessed, and that you're spending the holiday with the people (or person) that means the most to you.

If you happen to be stuck in an airport, I still hope that someone who rocks your world is there with you and that you have made a potentially uncomfortable situation into an unforgettable adventure, filled with laughter that might, by now, be bordering on delirium. Because sometimes, all you can do is laugh and make the best of a crappy situation, right!

(smile and nod, if just for the sake of not arguing.)
(see. all better.) :o)

A few weeks ago I posted about getting healthy and making a commitment to myself to get my butt back into shape... well... yeah, I was fully committed for a week! (YAY-BOOOO) and not to blame the weather (or the incredibly irresistible Christmas goodies that have taken over an entire counter in my kitchen) I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks! I do believe I have failed in my goal of not gaining a single pound during the holidays. So today, I walk. I am going to brave the feet of snow out there and get out of the office for at least half an hour and get some friggin' exercise!

Some observations from the past couple of days:

Teen-aged boys are sneaky, manipulative, selfish, and yet incredibly willing and handy, thus essential (perhaps we can lock him in a cage and only let him out to bathe and work)

Pre-Teen girls tattle, endlessly, for anything that they think is a punishable offence. (especially when the offender is a teen-aged boy, whom they think is cute or to whom they are related)

Kindergartners idolise teenagers/preteens, mimic their every move/word, and somehow think that when teens are around Mommy is not in charge.

When teen-aged boys, who don't have to follow rules because they know everything, walk across frozen ponds (followed by kindergartners) because they are invincible and think nothing bad can happen to them... Mom gets her truck detailed!

Merry Christmas! Feliz Navidad! Fröhliche Weihnachten! Nollaig Shona!

Finding Balance Between Man and Woman "Things"

"I Only Have To Cook and Clean?! SWEET!" was the original title...

But I my Mother, who won't read this anyway, would be deeply offended if I published that. She raised my sister and I to be very self-sufficent. "A girl can do anything a boy can do! Just buck-up and get it done." --- Thus, a short line of worthless "men" have streamed through her dining room, most of whom did not even know where the engine oil goes or how to start a lawn mower! (but show them an XBox or Playstation and they could be "busy" for days)

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Obviously, I made it in to work today. My Love had to work so I had to drive myself this morning. I've been chauffeured for the past 3 days because his truck = BIG FORD, my truck = Girl Toyo, and well, I like it when he goes out of his way to take me where I need to go. It makes me feel loved and a little girly, which is nice sometimes.

Driving in was actually pretty fun! My girl truck will go anywhere and I have a renewed faith in myself, the Lord, and my ability to get around no matter what. I don't need no stinking man! ...

(but I love him and I will keep him always)

I like knowing that I can take care of my self. I can change a tire, fix a leaky pipe, hang a shelf, paint a room, and defend myself.

(there's more but I dont want to brag.) <--- = sarcasm, for those who missed it
(smile!)

But finding a Man who,

(1) works for a living
(2) takes care of "man things" at home
and
(3) appreciates my:
desire to learn "man things"
enthusiasm about getting my hands dirty
and doesnt mind that I'll throw down and defend him if I think I need to.

has given me a new appreciation for being a woman.

I hate it when guys treat women like they're weaker because they're women, then expect them to take care of everything while they play XBox or watch football or NASCAR. HELLO! Maybe I want to watch football and NASCAR!

(or go shopping for something besides groceries)

But letting a man act like a man, thus assuming the role of a woman (without becoming prissy and helpless), is not a bad thing. Finding that balance is ... refreshing!

Sometimes, even un-princessy girls like to know there is a big strong man who can (and will happily) take care of things that have traditionally been "Man Things". You know what I'm talking about... changing the oil in your girl truck, fixing broken things around the house, roping unruly horses (then getting drug like a water skier up the gravel driveway when said horses take off like a boat), getting up at 3 in the morning to get you a bottle of water because you woke up thirsty, driving you to work, then out to lunch, when there is 3 feet of snow on the ground... you know, "Man Things".

A man who is willing to do these "Man Things" deserves to have a respectably clean home, his feet and back rubbed, a home cooked meal (at least 4 nights a week), his lunch made in the morning (even if it's left overs), and clean folded laundry... you know, "Woman Things".

A few days a week I help load and unload 40 bales of hay, then get in the back of the truck and throw 4 bales of hay in the field; at least once a week he takes me out to dinner, occasionally he'll mate his own socks and fold the towels, or vaccume or something.

He takes care of me, I take care of him. It's all about balance.

~cheers!

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow!

We are actually experiencing winter! I don't recall a time in my life that it has snowed this much. It's been going pretty strong for an entire week, and it looks like we may get a white Christmas this year!

The only winter foot wear that I have are my boarding boots, which just aren't practical for everyday wandering in the snow so of course I had to get snow boots!

(any excuse to buy new shoes!) Cute, practical, and they should last many years since we don't get winters like this... ever!

Some people are not as excited about this weather as I, but that's OK. I'm just ecstatic, the kids are having a blast, and boss man is delighted that my love got me to work today...I wasn't about to attempt to drive through the 5 foot snow bank that is at the top of our driveway. Love those snowplows! If I get home before it's dark I'll take pictures, it's kind of unbelievable to those of us who are accustomed to more rain than snow.




We got Mr Man moved out this weekend, and the girls came to stay for the week. The crazy horse lady is due back next weekend so I'm sure they'll be heading home then. I can't blame them, the house gets as smokey as a tavern when she's home. I smoked until just before I moved to the swamp ranch, so I didn't think her smoking would bother me. But even the one time I lived in a house that we actually smoked in, it was not this bad. The woman CHAIN smokes, and doesn't open windows or turn on fans or do anything at all to circulate the air and let us all breathe. Since I initially said it shouldn't be an issue, I cant really protest it now. I understand that she is on the road alot, and when she is home she wants to be comfortable. But she could be just a little bit conscious of the fact that other people live there, and we want to be comfortable when she is home too. (maybe?! is that too much to ask?)



But for now, there is a foot of snow on the ground, the horses seem to be holding up, the power is staying on (so far), and the highway is drivable if you can get out of your driveway... I hope winter sticks around for a while. This is kind of fun!

An Unexpected Evening of Fun

I did it. I didn't want to. I prayed the roads would freeze and become undrivabe. I contemplated faking Monkey's illness. But finally, I went to the company Christmas Dinner.

I feel fortunate that I work for a man who is not so liberal that he has nixed Christmas for Holiday. I think Christmas is important to remember... not X-Mas mind you, but CHRISTmas. There is a reason for the season, and it's not just to get really SWEET prestents!

(not that I'm complaining about presents... moving on.)

We got to the restraunt at just the right time, not late, after the big group, and not last. My 'assistant' saved us seats across from Boss Man's daughter and her husband.

(background: my assistant is Boss Man's neice, Boss Man's daughter's BFF and used to be my 'boss'. She hired me so she could eventually cut back to part time and just help me with the maddness)

Apparently, before the hostess opened the banquet room Boss Man, with his "friends" ( I use this term as loosly as possible here), and the "workers" (that's what he calls us. "The Workers". He doesn't think of it as degrading at all) were all lining up in the hall and Boss Man actually said "All you workers go on THAT side." Upon entering the room, he seated all of his "friends" on the other side, then sat with his back to his "workers" most of the evening... nice huh!

This year, however, he did put wine out on the tables for everyone to enjoy. Granted, it was cheap, warm, undrinkable (in my humble opinion), chardonay that he won in a golf tournament last summer, but from the man who wouldnt pay for his daughter's wedding if she had alcohol, this was a big generous gesture.

Of course, one of the guys drank a bottle and a half of said undrinkable wine, in the first half hour, then started buying shots of Patron for Boss Man's daughter and my assistant's Hubs. That made for a very entertaining evening... mildly uncomfortable at moments, but definitely entertaning.

All in all, I'm glad we went. My Love has a much better idea of who I work for and with, and everyone agreed this was the most fun we'd had at a company function... porobably ever. (at least everyone in our section.)

~cheers!

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

Earlier this week I was totally unprepared.
It's been a few years since we had a good winter.
and by good I mean "white".




Yesterday, my parents bought studded tires for my truck. I have to pay them back (eventually), but I am a little blown away by their generosity. Especially given that it's Christmas time and money is tight for everyone.



I'm glad it's not icy (yet.)
This can stick around for a couple of weeks.
I don't mind.



~cheers

"But It's a Beautiful Day"

That's what Monkey said when I told her she absolutely could not wear a skirt and flip flops to play in the snow.

It is stinkin' COLD here!
*************************************************************************************We had quite the weekend...

Saturday: Monkey and I finished our Christmas shopping, which included getting her ears pierced. All year she's been waiting to ask Santa to get her ears pierced, then she decided to tell him she wanted Hanna Montana Dress Up Clothes, instead.... YIKES! I hate Hanna Montana, but Santa hasn't let her down yet... and that is totally within Santa's budget this year. So, Mommy sprung for earrings a week early and Santa can battle it out with Target later in the week.

*****Sunday we woke to dry snow.*****
Dry snow is nice. Usually the snow here is very wet and, while that makes easy snow balls, it soaks through everything and makes for very cold play.
*****
We spent $200.00 on groceries and $25.00 on movie rentals, for the power to go out for 4 hours, just moments after I got the food put in the fridge.
*****
Of course I used up almost all of my candles when the crazy horse lady was home, because she still smokes in the house and it reeeeeeeeks so I burn candles to make it just a little more tolerable. And the wood stove was covered in Cd's and DVDs and what have you, because I don't need a wood stove... I have a perfectly functional furnace! So we had 2 candles going, which Monkey kept blowing out, and the ancient oil lamp that needs a new wick (but we made it work.)
*****
The hose was frozen, because up to this point winter was showing no sign of making an appearance this year.
*****
Along with the frozen hose, was a frozen spicket, an empty torch, and two empty horse toffs. (JOY!)
*****
Last year, we were pretty prepared for winter. It came upon us gradually and stayed a little too long. (we had snow in May, and the fields flooded on spring break so we went kayaking in the pasture.) We drained the hoses every night, kept the spicket covered with hay, and the wood stove was not covered with stuff because the furnace was broken for 2 months.
*****
anyway...
*****
The power decided to come back on, about 5 seconds after I got a fire going in the wood stove (which took half an hour to unclutter.)
*****
I was pleased to locate a 2nd oil lamp, stashed in the cupboard in the laundry closet. A cupboard that I don't actually recall seeing until it was dark and cold and I was on a mission to find more candles, flash lights, batteries, and lamp oil.
I also found a brand new torch in, what next week will be Mr Man's room
*****
I did get my love to sit down and play cards instead of watching TV, even after the power came back on.
Ultimately, the evening turned out pretty nice. Monkey got to watch Kung Fu Panda (twice), a well planned salmon dinner was not spoiled due to our adventure with out power, I discovered a few new and previously unexplored nooks and crannies in the sinking house, and all of the horses remain well hydrated!
*****
This may be my only post this week... it's supposed to snow somethin' fierce tomorrow and I may not make it out the driveway again.
*****
Stay Warm wherever you are!

cheers :o)
*************************************************************************************
(* these are snowflakes or ice crystals for the purpose of this post. just go with it.)

Plotting Evil Things Against Children is More Fun Than I Thought

My Love's children are some of the best behaved kids I've ever met. (truly.) You can take them anywhere and they are age appropriately mature and respectful towards people whom they are not related to. Having said that...

So seriously, my going to be step-son is 13 years younger than I am.

He thinks he knows everything, and what he doesn't know he thinks he doesn't need to know. The other day we were all watching TV and something was mentioned about a prosthetic hand and my love asked him if he knew what a prosthetic was and he said, "Don't need to."

Most days I simultaneously heart him, and want to beat him in the head with the muck shovel.

The little turd memorised the combo to the gun safe. The gun safe that we bought specifically to keep his grubby little hands off the guns. (I keep typing fun instead of gun... hehehe) See, he gets bored like most ADOS people and starts to snoop around and getting into stuff. The kid is always in trouble, mostly because he has ZERO respect for other people's things and he has a really crappy-I'm too cool for this-what are you gonna do about it-attitude.

(again with the shovel beating)

He thinks school is pointless, because he doesn't get it so he spends his days being "popular" and watching flies rather than asking for help and doing his school work. He is living with this illusion that life is grand and he can skate through it and will still make enough money to shop at Hollister, live in a huge house, drive a brand new car..... you know, all those illusions that 14 year olds have.

I'm sad to say, his dad rides him about the most menial things. So it really does seem like he cant do anything right. So when he does something really stupid, like getting into the gun (I did it again!) safe, or failing all of his classes, or making a bow and shooting a plastic arrow into the sheet rock in the garage or going through the DVDs in my room as though they were his own... the list of stupid things goes on and on and on... there is no differentiating between big things and him forgetting to take out the trash.

Since we are planning to get a house in June anyway, we have decided to move him in with us for the rest of the school year, starting after Christmas break. The school he goes to now is a pretty typical, over populated, suburban middle school. The new school is K-8 and has one classroom of 8th graders... tee hee... mwahahaha... and I'm not nearly as lax as he thinks I am on the weekends. Yes, this plan is sneaky and probably evil, but it's also for his own good!

It kinda sucks...I really want to have his back and make my love stop riding him so hard, but inevitably every single time I try to back him up he's lied or manipulated or just plain effed up and I look the fool. Fortunately my love knows all his tricks... I'm just discovering that I truly can not trust him and I don't like learning that about people. Especially people (kids or adults) that I have defended and tried to put my faith in.

Oh Crap! I forgot to check the mail

There is something very appropriate about SweetTarts being my favorite non-candy bar candy.

Snickers are my favorite candy bar.

My boss is a crazy man. He is very generous and funny most of the time. Perhaps crazy is not fair, we have similar personalities and I most certainly am not crazy.
(What?! I'm not...)
For some reason, when he is getting along with his wife he is mean to me. They fight a lot, today they are not fighting.

My love is letting me down more and more lately. It's kind of bumming me out. Last night he explained what's going on... "I got you hooked, now I can be my real self." While he was smiling when he said it, so NOT funny. Mostly because it's true. But the same goes for me I guess.

Little personality quirks come out once you live with someone. It's not always pretty, but we still love each other completely.

I'm not ready for Christmas.

I still don't know what to get my love, and for the first time that I'm aware of, I'm just not feelin' the Christmas spirit this year. Usually I've got tons of ideas and I'm rarin' to go shop and buy tons of well thought out gifts for everyone. This year I'm more like, tell me what you want and I'll go get it and put it in a pretty bag and call it good.
I'm not scroogin', I'm just not... Merry...

I've heard that life is what's happening while you're waiting for it to begin. This is very enlightening and all, but really I've been waiting to get married and settle down since I was in like 4th grade. I like my life, but I really want to buy a house and have my family now. Settled... Secure... you know, little things.

I'm very much stuck in the middle... but I don't know what I'm in the middle of. "Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am... stuck in the middle with you."

Why is it significantly easier for people to talk about all the bad things rather than the good things? There is definitely a stigma attached to talking about all of the wonderful blessings we have in our lives... it feels like bragging and no one wants to hear it.

The other night we talked about the trick of literature in eliminating the unessential, so that we are given a concentrated dose of life. I said almost indignantly, “It’s a deception and the cause of much disappointment. One reads books and expects life to be just as full of interest and intensity.And, of course, it isn’t so. There are many dull moments in between,and they, too, are natural. You, in your writing, have played the same trick. I expected all our talks to be feverish, portentous. I expected you always drunk, and always delirious. Then when we lived together for a few days, we fell into a profound, quiet, natural rhythm.” – pp 170 ~ Henry and June by Anais Nin

Anais Nin Rocks! or did rock, she's deceased, but her writing lives, therefore she continues to rock.

Anne Rice, John Grisham and Danielle Steel, also rock!

Spike Lee does not rock... in fact I think he pretty much does exactly the opposite of rocking.
Same goes for the Governor of Illinois who tried to auction off Obama's Senatorial Seat. Mister Blagojevich you are the epitome of what is wrong with our country's political process. I hope you spend the rest of your life in a maximum security prison for the criminally insane. (no country club for you!)

Still enjoying the SweetTarts.

Yesterday, I ran 3 miles in 30 minutes on the elliptical.

Then I unloaded and stacked 40 bales of hay ~ with a hole in my hand (more on this), fed the horses, then made dinner and got all the laundry folded!
Yesterday was a good day.

This whole ring thing is bugging me more than I realised. I don't know why he took me ring shopping in the first place... I mean I do know, and his intentions were good, but the time is obviously not right and he needs to not buy it right now. So naturally I'm a little put off. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm disappointed, I know what his money picture looks like and if it meant that much to him... like if he really wanted to do it, he could.

eh... whatever... que sera sera, right?!

I have a dime sized hole in my hand, accompanying an eraser sized blister on my thumb. See, yesterday after I kicked ass at the gym I went to get my Christmas stuff out of storage and when I got there I realised the my love never checked the oil in my truck, which likely explained the horrible sound the engine was making. So after I loaded up all my Christmas boxes I popped the hood and pulled out the dip-stick (the one for the oil, not my soon to be step-son) and sure enough... it was EMPTY!!!! I had ZERO oil in the 1 year old engine of my 15 year old pickup! So I, genius that I am, tried in vain to get the oil cap off the engine so I could add a quart - which was all that I had in the truck because when you have a man as handy as mine it becomes no longer your job to make sure the truck has oil in it. But the engine was still too hot, so the cap was suctioned on and wouldn't move. So I'm standing on the brush guard, in my gym clothes, bent over under the hood, grunting and gripping and trying as hard as I can to get the damn thing to come loose, and instead I got a HUGE blister on my hand. A blister that eventually tore open and started weeping and stinging because the engine compartment (or actually, the entire truck) needs a serious bath in degreaser. So, finally feeling defeated (which I hate) I went to the storage place office and shamefully asked if a man was available to assist me. Which got me one of those sarcastic-you're one of those princessey girls who cant take care of herself-looks. But when I explained what happened and showed her the weeping blister she immediately wiped the sarcastic-you're one of those princessey girls who cant take care of herself-look off her face, and sent her assistant out to help me. He, of course, got the cap off like he was opening a plastic jar of peanut butter... (of course he did!)

I've decided that when making up words, like princessey, it's ok to not worry about spelling.

Running out of SweetTarts

oooh! Peppermint Tea

Cheers!

Please Hold for the Next Available Annoying Salesperson

Really, whomever decided to enlist automated telemarketers to make initial contact should be honored... and smacked!

Now I get to hang up on an annoying recording rather than feeling just a little bit guilty for hanging up some poor college freshman who sounds super perky and is obviously just trying to make some money to feed herself.

I rank telemarketing as one of the top jobs that slowly erode your self esteem.

When I left her dad, his new girlfriend (who overlapped me; which is a whole other blog... or series of blogs, possibly to come at another time when I'm feeling really crappy about life) was a telemarketer/artist. She had one of those super bubbly voices and could probably sell snow to Eskimos. She, by no means, made "money" but she was able to pay her rent, when she went to work.

I don't really understand people who complain about being broke then don't go to work everyday. And when said people get their paychecks, they don't want to feel broke so they don't pay their bills... or they pay a small portion of their bills so they still have money for really important things like going to the bar and playing poker and buying super fancy art supplies only to drop out of art school because they're broke and need to get a "better job". (ahem!)

anywhoo... where was I? Oh yes, the automated telemarketers.

If you're going to ring my phone - my office line that is, they rarely call my cell Thank Goodness! - at least have the courtesy to have a person available to say what you're calling about. If you don't have enough staff available to dial a phone number to waste 15 seconds of my blog time, don't have a friggin' computer call me and politely ask me to hold for the next available representative. Perhaps if I knew what they were representing I would be interested (not likely. just play along.) but I don't wait on hold long enough for my love to answer call waiting... why the heck would I wait on hold just to hang up on a person?... HELLO! Does that make any sense to you?

I guess what I'm really saying is, if you have a computer call me because you know I'm going to hang up on a person... why bother placing the call in the first place?

Cheers!

Screw being rich, I'm glad I'm not famous

This has been somewhat of a long week. For no particular reason, really. Work is slow, so I'm spending more time on the internet. This is both good and bad. I'm learning new and exciting things, like for instance did you know that Amy Winehouse is actually a singer?? Like a real singer... she had a career before she became a walking tabloid cover. I never knew this, but now that I've been educated I realise why she reminds me so much of Courtney Love.

I used to LOVE Hole. But Courtney really irked me off when I paid $50 to see Hole back in 1998 when they were on tour with Marilyn Manson. I didn't want to see Marilyn Manson (ewwwwww), but my ex did. and he didn't want to see Hole, but I did. so it all worked out. until Courtney threw a tantrum because apparently the crowd didn't meet her standards and she walked off stage.... yeah, that kind of ruined my fan-ness. I still rock Celebrity Skin on those especially ornery days when I need to drive fast and escape back to 17. But for the most part I've boycotted her.

It's really sad, actually. To watch someones life fall apart then clean up then fall apart. (pause. think of Britney. love her or loathe her, your heart has to go out to that girl.) I mean they are actually people, and their mistakes are put out there in the spotlight for all to see and remember. I cant imagine why anyone would want to be famous, and stay famous, if they didn't have it together (at least on the surface.)

I'm not saying my own life isn't a roller coaster. Seriously... to everything (turn turn turn) there is a season (turn turn turn)... and something new will be brewing or falling apart. But I (for the most part) have a say in who knows about what is going on with me. If things got really really bad, I could always move to another town and start over and no one would know the difference.

Celebrities don't get to start over. They just have to try to prove themselves all over again, and they have more people betting against them, reporting on their every blunder, their every slip... Have you ever tried to pick yourself back up? Mistakes happen, its easy to backslide... but you need people around you to support you and let you know that it's OK and you just have to keep going forward. The media seems to make it their business to keep these people down. To shine a spotlight on every minuscule thing that might possibly be construed as a slip up. Give them a chance people... it's not like your life is perfect either! But then, what would we have to talk about? The impending doom of the country... Ooooh! look, Angelina is pregnant....again....

moving on.

I made it to the gym last night. I couldn't really feel my quads when I left, but I definitely felt invigorated! I just wish there was a gym close to home so I could go every day. As it is I can really only get out there once a week when I go work for my dad. But hey, once a week is better than not going at all... right? (right!)

I also stepped on the scale in the locker room... scales aren't my friend... but I was prepared for the worst and it was not quite as bad as I expected. I now have my starting point and a clearer idea of where I'd like to be in 2 months. And since I don't have a scale at home, I now know where I can check my progress every week.

Now... I'm off to blog land to find more interesting things to babble about... ... ...

Yeah, not so much. There is nothing new or interesting going on in the world today. Perhaps that in itself is new and interesting. or. I'm just not amused with the headlines today... that's probably it.

I did, however, figure out how to make my iTunes songs into MP3's so I can create ring tones! FREE RING TONES!!! YAY! Have I mentioned that it's the little things that thrill me?

Happy Thursday! :o)

Well That Wont Do At ALL!

Howdy!


So I don't post as often as I originally planned, but I'll work on that... perhaps. I've been cyber-stalking many other blogs for inspiration whilst taking special care not to be a blog stealer... there is definitely some entertaining stuff out there!


The past year and a half has been one of continual change for me. Change for the better, which is still stressful, just much more enjoyable.

I quit smoking (YAY!) I got a new job, which I basically enjoy, that actually supports me and Monkey without forcing us to live on Mac and Cheese and Ramen. I met a new man, a real man, a man's man, and subsequently fell in love (awwwww).

I moved just far enough out of the city to be away from everything, yet close enough to see my family and commute to work.



I became a dog owner,
a horse owner,





a "going to be step-mom",
and got unofficially engaged (or pretend married as we affectionately call it).


I went to my first Rodeo.





I learned what real friendship is and more importantly what it is NOT; in this lesson I also learned that I truly am blessed with an amazing family and I have taken that for granted for most of my life.... oh yeah, and a delightful patch of cellulite has taken up residence in that lovely area just below my ASS!

Big Changes!

Seriously, just before tanning season last spring I was drying off getting ready to lather my skin with coco butter and there it was... this dimply, some what chicken skin resembling patch just below what used to be my cute and perky butt... "What the hell is that?" escaped my lips as I ran my finger tips over my skin. I started my spring tanning but it never went away. I tried to hide it from my love... and myself. But when I start hiding my body, I lose confidence and from there everything begins to sink. Ever since that day it seems I can feel my thighs and my tush expanding...filling out my jeans in a whole new way... and I don't like it!



In the course of all the wonderful changes, have gained about 25 pounds. Now, I will say that I was probably not at my healthiest two years ago. I fit into a size 2, but everyone who knew me told me I needed to gain some weight. But this 25 pounds of "Happy Weight", does not feel good on my body. I've been reading (as I stated) a lot of blogs in the past couple of months, and there is a common theme to much of what I'm reading.... being healthy! Not just losing weight and 'ideal' size, or what diet someone is on. It's about getting happy and being healthy.

I get pretty unfriendly when I'm feeling like crap about myself. I tend to drive people away from me, subconsciously, which really just makes me feel worse about myself and deepens the hole I crawl into. So I've been trying really hard lately to stop snipping at people, and complaining about everything I can think of, and taking things personally, and pushing people away.... but I feel like crap and my jeans keep getting tighter and I'm craving all these really unhealthy foods (donuts, candy...CRAP!) and nothing is satisfying me. I joined a gym in October and have gone exactly twice, meanwhile I KNOW that if I just got my rear back into shape (oh how I miss it's shape), that I would feel better be nicer and the negativity around me would begin to dissipate.

So, I am making my resolution for 2009 a month early. Starting today, I will get back into my workout routine, I will not give in to those pesky cravings, and I will stop drinking beer or wine or whiskey and seven, every night! I am going to use this Blog to keep myself on track, so if you are reading, a little encouragement goes a LONG way with me :o)

My Goals (set 1):


To lose 10 pounds before Valentines day.

To run 1 mile without stopping.

To utilize my gym membership by, at a MINIMUM, going to cycling every week.


LET THE BUTT SHAPING BEGIN!

Something New Every Day

A recap of this week - in it's random glory:

Sunday I got a whopping 2 hours of sleep and battled the rest of the week trying to regain the missing 6 hours.

Monkey called Her Dad. Which was an amazing step for her. She has, until now, an unexplained fear of the telephone and has been content to calling him from her fingers for the past several months. But alas yesterday she says " Um Mommy, Can I please call my dad?"... I couldn't say no to such an eloquently spoken request.

The Crazy Horse Lady went back on the road so I spent Tuesday evening cooking dinner while simultaneously defuming my house. It's so nice to have my house back, if even for a short while. Though she and her man are soon to be gone for the month of December!! I am ecstatic and overjoyed and counting the weeks. (perhaps they'll get busy and not make it home before then... ah, I can wish right)

It's occurred to me that no one actually reads what I'm posting here, although I did acquire one follower - HI! I like your blog! And it made my day (or hour) when I logged in and saw that I had a follower! So Thank you :o)

I made a kick ass dinner last night... chicken cordon blue and twice baked potatoes... YAY ME!

Tuesday a fellow blogger found out she has Breast Cancer. Please send her your prayers... they work you know. I don't know this woman, but she has 2 boys and she obviously had some suspicion for quite some time and just found out... she seems to be staying amazingly strong and hopeful... so we all need to pray and say hopeful for her and her hubby and their adorable babies.

um... Migraines suck and are no fun and should qualify as an illness therefore a valid excuse to call in to work. However, I could be bleeding out my eyeballs and my boss would still make me come in... even if he's in Mexico... the jerk!

Actually, I heart my boss. He allows things such as blogging and web surfing and coming in late because I technically didn't want to get out of bed therefore had to take Monkey to school because she missed the bus... and he buys me coffee and lunch and new Stability Balls to sit on when I lose the plug to mine.

I microwaved a fork with my lunch without knowing it. I'm a little disappointed now. After being told my whole life not to ever put anything metal in the microwave, I would have expected a blown fuse or at least a neat flashy light show... but no... I just got a really hot fork the had caramelized Swiss cheese stuck to it. (sad.)

Christmas is rushing at me faster than I'd like, and while I am trying to be super responsible and pay off my credit cards, I cant help but buy new jeans... like every couple of weeks. I like jeans like most girls like shoes and hand bags... I just LOVE jeans. But I need to stop buying them for myself and start saving for important things like, The House that we want to buy next year... and oh I don't know... Christmas presents for My Love and "our" kids... and Lucky needs to stop sending me post cards with oober cute jeans on them.

Speaking of the kids, they are coming out this weekend. I'm very excited, the girls didn't come out last weekend, and Mr Man was in trouble so there was a lot of shoveling and working and long serious talks going on and not a lot of the joking and picking on and fun stuff that typically surrounds the weekend. He'll learn though...we hope.

So, I think that's it. If you are reading this, let me know. or if you have any tips on how to get more people to come by and read or whatever. I mean, it's all good to talk to one self, but it's funner to talk to one self and know that other people are in on the conversation too.

Cheers and Happy Weekending!

Cherry Popsicle ~ Peppermint Mocha

Some quiet would be nice.
Nothing profound or exotic.
Just some quiet.
And perhaps a little fresh air.

A beach ride perhaps.
Just me and Tanner (he doesnt talk much)
To rest. To breathe. To feel life.
Peaceful - Timeless.

perhaps
...
A storm-walk.
The thundering silence
of waves and rain,
washing over me
soaking to my bones.

Just Because no. 1

"Grey Matter"

I hate you, I love you
Leave, please
Don't go away
Can't decide if
I like your face
Or if I wish
It would stray
You're a child but
You're malicious
You're sweet but
Don't remember my name
And heads you win
And tails I'm lost
And love equals pain

I am drifting
Without an anchor
Through your ambigous region
A strange continent
Immune to all reason
And I'm flattered by
Your grey matter

Inside my skin
I feel your tongue
Telling me I'm dirty
And licking my bones
A surge against silence
A knife across a plate
Makes the sound
Of need on hate

I am drifting
Without an anchor
Through your ambigous region
A strange continent
Immune to all reason
And I'm flattered by
Your grey matter
And I do not understand
Why a woman can't
Just love a man

You're amusing
You're a real cool show
With your meat hooks
And barbed wire carnival
You got glitter in your pocket
You got mothballs in your soul
From too many false teeth
And greasy flash bulbs

I am drifting
Without an anchor
Through your ambigous region
A strange continent
Immune to all reason
And I'm flattered by
Your grey matter

I love you
I hate you

~Jewel Kilcher

A Moment of Clarity Is All I Need

Have you every had a relationship (romantic or working or whatever) in which communication seems nearly impossible. When every exchange of words is a struggle for clarity and understanding? I work with two people like this and I don't know why but this struggle for meaning and clarity (over menial and seemingly simple requests) is beginning to seep into my home life.

For instance, I ask RF to what the price is on some item he sent to one of our customers. I hate asking him anything, but it is occasionally necessary, this time because he didn't specify on his packing list. Which is something he typically does in abundance.

Seriously, it's rediculious; one time he turned in a gas reciept for the delivery truck. He used the company card so I knew, exactly what it was just looking at the reciept. But just to be helpful he wrote on the reciept "Gas, Foundry". Cool. But in case that was not enough, he then tapes the reciept to a full sized peice of paper and writed in blue sharpie "Foundry, Gas on MasterCard!!!". Because the reciept from Arco that said Mastercard - Foundry xxxx,wouldn't have been clear enough?!?

RF can not just answer a question? He has to delve into this long winded story, telling me repeatedly that he knows I dont need all this information and/or "I know you dont care", about where the part comes from, what it's for and what we charged five years ago and each price increase since then and the reason behind each price increase and how my use of the heater, when he left the door open, is causing global warming in some abstract way... to conclude that the price we charged 6 months ago is the current price because our boss has a deal worked out with that specific customer so they aren't currently charged a metal surcharge...
um, thanks... what was the original question??

Why can't I just get a straight to the point, no extra details crap, honest to goodness clear answer? Is that really too much to ask? Possibly.

I ask my love what he wants for dinner, and he says either "Food" or "Whatever you feel like making."
This, of course, flusterates me to no end, because clearly if I had some idea of what I wanted to eat I would say:
"my love, hows chili sound for dinner?" as I'm chopping the veggies and cooking the meat to throw in the pot that is already simmering.
or
"my love, wny don't you start the grill so these steaks are done when the potatos are ready?"

I pretty much know what he likes, but I tend to get stuck in ruts so I ask him for input in order to mix things up a bit. But I am learning to provide options...
"my love, would you rather have chicken or pork ribs?"
to which he typically says
"whatever you want to make honey."
(grrrrrrr)
But on occasion, he'll actually make a counter suggestion:
"How bout tortellini, that's quick and easy, so then you can relax."
(awwwwe)
Yea, it's the little things that keep me loving him! Truly.

Prince Charming Was A Cowboy, You Know

Did I mention that I don't usually look forward to things because inevitably when I am really really looking forward to something or counting on something, it falls through...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I keep writing draft posts and never getting back to them... seriously you, I could slap them all in one extended post and see what happens. I don't see that people actually read what I'm writing anyway so it might make for an interesting read one day, maybe today.

I used to LOVE writing. But I only write when things are bothering me. It's safer to write then to actually talk about whats going on in my head, fewer people will think I'm crazy that way. My sister was recently reintroduced to my roller coaster. I thought I'd give my mom a break from my rides and call my sister instead, you know just to mix it up a bit, I wouldn't want anyone to feel neglected or left out here. We went to dinner the other night and I was talking about how maybe I shouldn't have told anyone we went ring shopping and she got this serious look on her face and said I did a complete 360 in the last two weeks. Which is probably true, but I have a lot of time to ponder things that shouldn't be pondered while I'm at work (obviously, I'm blogging here) and I tend to think the worst of things and make little things into big significant catastrophic events, then once I talk about them I realize how incredibly silly I'm being and it's all over, but if I don't talk (or write) about what is bothering me it just gets bigger and bigger until it in no way resembles what the original thought was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So sometimes (read: typically) definitely means it might happen... but it doesn't. So generally about the time I get really excited about something and start talking about it like it's a for sure thing, it doesn't happen. So, when I wrote that we are definitely going to buy a house after the first of the year it was tongue in cheek (but if I typed it wouldn't it be keys in screen or something) Now we're talking about just renting for a year... so we'll see what happens there.

We did, on a totally awesome note, go on a surprise trip to the jeweler last weekend. When we left he kept looking at me out of the corner of his eye and smiling, and finally said "You thought I was full of crap, didn't you?"
Of course me being a girl (occasionally I am girly) I couldn't keep that little bit to myself so I told my best friend then my sister and blurted it to my Gram... and the ring (YAY!) is just on layaway, and while we've playfully proposed to eachother at different times we are not officially engaged, so it's not even really for sure either. But, considering her dad told me I wasn't worth a ring, this is a really big thing to me and I'm letting myself be excited.


Bottom line (or middle line, we'll see where this ends up): I have never been in a healthy relationship until I met my love. I tend to seek out worthless boys who I make my project. Historically, these boys don't want to be fixed and it takes me 2 years to realize that, and another year to give up and accept that I have wasted another phase of my life... I have done this twice. Another time it only took a year for the worthless child to turn tail and run, because he knew I was smarter, stronger, and better than him in every conceivable way, and it was just a matter of time before I burried him!

So now, here I am with a man who takes care of things and is so incredibly amazing in every category... he's sexy, he's intelligent, he's responsible, he treats me right, he treats me like a lady without over doing it, he brings me flowers at the most random and unexpected times, he doesn't do drugs, he takes care of his kids (and his parents, which is good and bad), he loves me and he tells me so every single day, he's faithful, he respects me, he accepts me for who I am (tattoos and all), and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me! and the best part is... HE'S REALLY REAL!

So of course I'll find little things to question, because this doesn't happen to me... I must be dreaming... Do I really get a prince, who carries me off into the sunset on the back of his horse, or actually buys me my own horse because I said "I really like that one", and we live happily ever after?!!


(SWEET!)

No Bridezilla Here

Sometimes I wish my brain had one of those reader boards. That way I wouldn't have to articulate myself and everyone would just know what I was thinking, except with an NC17 censor that would just flash butterflies and daisy's and noncommittal things when I'm thinking saucy thoughts....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My love and I are definitely going to buy a house after the first of the year. In discussing this the other day I thought out loud:

"How does that work with taxes. If we're not married how do we both claim the house? We cant exactly file 'Single filing jointly'."

He says, "Well we can get married."

err... [babe, I hope that wasn't you official proposal!]

He has not "officially" proposed... meaning I don't have a ring on my finger to tell the world that I'm finally in a for real relationship and that we are really truly honestly going to get married.

Don't get me wrong, I know we are going to get married. But there is something official about having a ring, that makes it OK to talk about your wedding plans with others. When I tried to broach the subject with a co-worker and my sister they both looked at me with that look that says: "Honey, I don't see a ring on your finger, don't get your heart set yet." But you know what, my heart is set. We talk about it all the time, and while I still feel like I cant tell people we're "engaged", I hate feeling like I can't talk about the plans we're trying to make.

I don't know if I'm up for planning a wedding and buying a house in the same time frame. I don't even know if I want a wedding. After watching my sister plan her wedding I swore I was just going to call everyone from Vegas and make the announcement. But since this is for really happening I'm starting to think that maybe I do want a special day. Not a big elaborate thing where I'm supposed to cry if the centerpieces are the wrong shaped circle and the napkins are imprinted in the wrong corner, but where I can have daisy's in my bouquet whether they are technically weeds or not and I can go barefoot or wear my cowboy boots if that's what I want to do... something simple that we can invite just the people who really matter and they actually come because it's special not just because there's an open bar paid for by my daddy, and it's actually fun and not overwhelming or nit picky or stressful....
[OK, I think just planned my wedding. Call my sister and tell her to make the arrangements, I'll be working my horse :-) ]

I May Not Be Girly But I'm Still A Girl!

Oh Drat!
I just finished reading Clever Girl's post "Justify My Love", in her own unknowing way she totally explained what I have been doing for the past week and a half. I over analyze EVERYTHING and it's making my love a little irritated. OK, a lot irritated, and I do believe I've pushed him to the point where I'm going to cause a fight.

I don't quite know how to tell him that I need to hear that he still thinks I'm beautiful... and that he shouldn't tell me I can talk to him then change the subject or, worse, not hear a thing I've said when I do (my love, just because you dont agree or don't understand, doesnt mean I dont need to be heard)... I require one real kiss every day, preferably after I've brushed my teeth just prior to going to bed (the ultimate night cap in my opinion)...and he must cuddle with me. There is no negotiating, if he sleeps in my bed he must cuddle with me at some point during our sleep, be it while falling asleep or during the snooze 15, he must cuddle.

My love is super wonderful in so many ways I can not begin to list them all. He just lacks a bit in the intimacy department which, given his high marks in nearly every other category, I am slowly learning to accept (however, it does build up, occasionally manifesting into crabby time that I can neither control nor rationally explain.)

No one is perfect, and he has been pretty darn close thus far.

So lately he's thinking I'm losing it, obviously he needs to read up on what it's like to have the mind of a girl. He is not very understanding when it comes to things such as these, at least I don't think he is. He tends to laugh it off or just ailenate himself (not really helping in the lack of intamicy department) He better learn quick! He has me, two almost teenagers of his own, and my little girl... the poor guy doesn't stand a chance.

Monkey Learns a Life Lesson

Monkey loves to play dress-up. So, last weekend, when she came to me with her big hazel puppy dog eyes and said "Mommy, can I play dress up? pleasepleaseplease." I knew she was expecting my standard "No", because she has yet to master the skill of getting the dress-up clothes back in the trunk when it's time to clean up. When I said, "Sure, as long as your room is clean." She bounced through the kitchen like I just told her we were going to meet Hannah Montana, which was exactly the response I was hoping for. I love it when she gets excited about little things... I believe that is why she was put on this earth... to make me pull my hair out and fill my heart with joy.

She loves to get dressed up and come out to the living room and pose like she's on a runway. Scarves and purses draped over her arms. Disney Princess dresses, plastic high heels, braclets, sparkling plastic clip on jewels. Pushing a stroller with a stuffed puppy or her Cabbage Patch Baby. She even dresses up her giant Eeyore and Care Bear then hosts tea parties. I LOVE IT!

I'm not girly. I tried to keep up with "princess", and I'm constantly comparing myself to my love's beautiful friends (and trying to smile politely). I like to use my hands, so acryllic nails are totally pointless, my hair wont hold curl and when I get all prettied up I dont feel like me. I never have been one for tights or nylons and dresses and staying out of the mud. I really enjoy spending time getting pretty, but inevitably my hair goes flat in the truck on the way to whatever event made me dare the hot rollers, or if by chance I'm wearing a dress and heels, a horse will escape the barn when we're in the drive way or some other ranch related emergency will transpire and the next thing I know I'll be covered in hay with muddy shoes.... needless to say as long as I have my flat iron, I'm good in jeans and a cute top.


Monkey, on the other hand, is the girliest girl. She loves to play outside with the puppies, but she hates it when they get her dirty (we live on a swamp/ranch so imagine how often she comes in the house wanting to change because one of the puppies jumped on her) She loves tights and dresses and pretty shiny shoes. She loves make-up and frilly things, but she's not so big on pretty hair. The poor girl was cursed with my super fine hair that doesn't hold a curl or a style or even a clip most of the time and, when it's knotty, brushing it feels like someone is pulling your hair out a few at a time. The other day, I was trying to brush a rather sticky knot out, she started crying because it hurt. I told her that sometimes getting pretty hurts and looked up at me and said "Well then I don't want to get pretty, it's no fun!"


She has NO idea!

A Trip Through The Spaghetti

Happy Random Thursday!
So many things are going on, few of them in any sort of normal context to each other. Just a continuous stream of hodgepodge thoughts flowing through me today...

I learned last night that my cousin is going to be a daddy. I'm really excited for him, he's going to be a GREAT daddy. Part of me has a twinge jealous, because I don't ever get to experience happy baby making... you know, the kind where both people love each other and while they didn't necessarily plan to make a baby they are both delighted and scared but able to share the experience together and it is ultimately a wonderful thing? Yeah, I don't get to do that. And it only recently became apparent to my subconscious that I may want to experience that, but it's just not in the cards. And I think I'm OK with that... or I will keep telling myself that until I'm back in "I definitely don't want to ever be pregnant again" mode.


About a month ago my love and I were sitting in my parent's living room and some where conversation shifted to our kids and how neither one of us get child support, and I said "That's because we both procreated with stupid people." I'm pretty notorious for making offhanded comments such as these. Sometimes they're funny, as in this case (even Dad started laughing), sometimes not so much.

I tend to make a really bad first impression when I meet people. a) because I'm pretty quiet around new people, I don't open up right away and typically need someone I'm oober comfortable around to help through the initial getting to know you stuff, or b) because I'm super chillaxed with close friends and make a one of my offhanded comments that people who know me are so incredibly used to and I end up offending people who don't know me.

I try to be friendly to people I don't know, I'm just not so good at the talking to strangers anymore. I don't know what happened but somewhere in my early 20's I developed this social awkwardness that I cant seem to shake. This awkwardness has turned me into a bit of a homebody again. I'm thinking semi-drastic measures may be necessary... seriously!

A girl at the bar once told a friend of mine that I look mean! That was her first impression. I didn't even have the chance to be sarcastic, or behave in that sometimes crude, "guy" way that most of the time is OK, but occasionally annoys my love to pieces. Without me so much as uttering a word in her direction, I honestly hadn't even noticed her, she looked at me and decided I was mean...? I'm sorry but WTF? I don't have the Gothic thing going, I'm just an average chick in a t-shirt, blue jeans and cowboy boots... Is it my tattoos? Is it my face? What is it about me that would make a person assume that I am mean based soley on my looks?

... Note To Self: Don't assume that girl is a beeotch just because she passed judgement on you. Maybe she's really nice, like you are, and there is actually a reason that she knows your friend well enough to tell him that you look mean.... (eh... or not!)

I believe what you've just read is a perfect example of what I lovingly refer to as Spaghetti Brain.

So, I'm really excited about tonight. We never go out anymore and we are venturing out to see Jake Owen...SWEET! I love live music, especially at the bar because it feels so much more personal than in a big arena or festival. Plus, my Sis and her hubby are going with us, which is cause for excitement in itself because they never go out. So YAY!

cheers!

The Oysters Were Curious Too

I am curious, I am excited. Where is this blog going to go? Will people actually read it? What will I get from it? What will others take from it? If no one reads it will I stop posting to it? I have been browsing blogs for some time, because I have a desk job which actually allows for such things, and I was surprised to see how LONG this phenomenon has been going on.
How does a new blog attract a following? And does that even matter to me... not really. I just want a place to put my thoughts, share funny things that I find or thing that I find funny, and stretch my imaginative muscles again. I love to write, it's always been an escape for me. One of my college instructors pushed brevity in my assignments which in turn tuned out of my creative rhelm. After that I started strictly journaling. I'd like to get back to that creative side and I think that blogging will help. So if you happen upon this page, please just let me know you were here. Offer up your thoughts on these conversations with myself... please interrupt if you would :o)

Just Fast Forward Through The Icky Part

Everyone is talking about money and the economy today. I know I cant be the only one who feels unaffected by this stock market crisis. Perhaps I'm not seeing the big picture, or perhaps I dont have any intangible assets (ie. stock or investments), I know where my money is (all $30.00 in my checking account), and my bills are paid.

If I want to go buy a cup of coffee from Sunshine (support your local barista and boycott Starnucks when possible) I'm not going to let the crashign of the Dow interfere with that decision. Am I the only one who feels this way? I sure as heck hope not!

On my way in to the office this morning, I was listening to my morning entertainment. They were asking callers what the last three things they would hang on to would be (aside from essentials like house, food, utilities, family.) Most people answered in the same scope; internet, cable, pizza, beer, cell phone. This got me thinking. What are three expenses that I would continue to pay in the worst economy:

1) My Cell ~ how else would I text my honey while we're both at work?

2) Tanning ~ ok so if necessary I would eventually give this up, but I live in Oregon and I am prone to depression which for some reason lying in a human microwave for 15 minutes twice a week seems to help ward off... not to mention the lovely glow it gives my sometimes pale skin... So I know it's bad (BOOOOO MELANOMA), but so is smoking and I quit that a year ago so c'mon, I need ONE thing :o)

3) My Truck ~ It's not a gas hog, we just put a new engine in it last year, it's kind of a family trophy and I got it, and I live in the sticks so riding a bike is not really a viable source of transportation. Neither is the bus, because I'm not willing to make a 30 minute commute into a 2 hour ordeal every morning and night just to save a little money. Perhaps, should things get REALLY desperate, like there is no gasoline available anywhere and people are rationing flour and milk and oats, I will ride my horse to work, but not until then.....

All this lead me to thinking about all of the things I didn't have when my daughter was a wee little thing and I didn't have ANY money. Seriously, I had to decide which bill I wasn't going to pay each month.

I didn't go to the bar (her dad did but...), we didn't have cable, we lived on Tuna Helper-esque meals ($1.50 a box, just add water or milk and frozen peas), I didn't buy new clothes every payday (or ever for that matter), and I rode the bus or walked everywhere. I only had a cell phone because my mom paid for it for her own sanity of knowing we were safe, and you know what... aside from living with a bum, my daughter and I were just fine. We were healthy, we weren't hungry, and we had a warm home with Disney and Baby Einstein DVDs, a great verity of Cd's and Books and baby toys. Life was pretty good!

So, essentially, I've already lived in a bad economy (my own) and now I have a job that, thankfully, supports my bills and groceries and daycare, with a little extra left for a hazelnut latte if I want one and the occasional new pair of jeans or cute top if I'm having one of those days when nothing feels right and darn-it I just want to. I still don't pay for cable, because I would rather spend that $65+ a month on jeans or drinks or save it (gasp!), we'll see about that.

Some people may not understand, and might say that it's socially irresponsible to not let this economic crisis phase me, and perhaps come spring when I am stuck at the Swamp because my love and I cant buy a house, I'll let it irk me a little. I just don't see how there is anything the average working American can do. We just have to ride it out, maybe start putting away the credit cards and living within our means. Eventually the crisis will be over and life will move forward, it may not look exactly like it did last year, but it will go on. So I'm not going to let it keep me up at night. I will own a home, sooner than later, even if that means investing in a larger piggy bank!

Planning to 'Wing it'

I didnt sleep well last night, and the lingering effects are that of a hangover. I look like crap, I feel like crap, I really want to curl up and go to sleep, and I have heartburn that I think was spawned from the delecious black forest mocha I wasnt going to indulge in this morning... I hate heartburn. It reminds me of being pregnant, when I ate berry flavored tums like they were candy. I'm cranky and I dont want to work, which is another unfortunate part of it being Monday because of course there is alot of stuff for me to procrastinate on. And for some reason the more I try to procrastinate the more my office becomes a central meeting point for everyone else who wants to procrastinate but make it look like they're really working, which makes it really hard to fake working. I mean, it sounds like I'm working so all should be good... maybe.

So over the weekend I was thinking about this blog. I really just need a sounding board, a place to write. Some place where others may eventually read what I put into words, and even comment some time. I really enjoy reading other people's blogs, I'm possibly even a little envoius of all the people who discovered this excellent time killer long before I. This is not MySpace, WOO HOO! or Facebook. This isnt a popularity contest, at least not in the same sense as other "social networking" sites. It's refreshing to me, at least at this point... I'm babbling arent I? ok... rewind...

Thinking about this blog over the weekend, and all of the things I could write about and it struck me that I could easily write a biography of the past ten years in one blog just to get all of the background to where I am now... but rest assured, I wont. I'm sure some things will come to surface in my entries because every event in the past 8 years or so has lead up to exactly where I am in my life right now. People talk about regrets and if only's, but I can honeslty say that while I have made some really selfish and just plain BAD choices, I do not regret a single one. I know, in my soul, that if I changed even one key event of the past 8 years, I wouldnt be in the relationship I'm in, I wouldn't be living the life I am living, and I wouldn't be happier (in the big scheme of things) than I ever could have imagined. I have an amazing daughter, a decent paying job, a mostly loyal puppy, a work in progress 4 year old buckskin quarterhorse, and plans to marry the man of my dreams once we work out some details. Who could ask for more than that?

I Only Read The Headlines

My idea of keeping up with world events is to read the headlines, I dont generally read more than the headlines, because I'm not a details person when it comes to the news. It's all so depressing and I am believe that, ultimately, if I cant do anything to change it..."Wow that is sad/unfortunate/incredible/doesnt actually surprise me"...next...

I read alot of "Pop Culture" and otherwise useless articles because I'm far more shallow that I care to admit (but I just did admit it so perhaps that makes me one step closer to recovery!) and they tend to be quick to the jist sparing all the unnecessary details.

Needless to say, I dont pay much attention to Wall Street. Such things that are out of my scope for comprehension, mostly because I dont have any investments, I dont wear a suit to work, and I get my paycheck and I can pay my bills so I dont think about money markets and what fat cats are doing in the economy. It just pisses me off that groceries are so expensive and I cant afford to go for my hour long drives through the "enchanted forest" anymore because gas costs too damn much! But this morning I read that Washington Mutual was seized; the largest bank failure in the history of the US. and I got a little worried. I read the entire article, which I can not quote any part of except the headline (go figure) but I am quite confused as to how such a thing happends.

As I'm witing this my brain is processing the answer to my confusion. All of the headlines from the past few months have been leading to this very thing. Banks and Lenders gave loans to people whom they knew were not likely to pay them back. Then offered these loans so that people could buy homes they could not really afford but felt they were entitled to. Then slowly, as gas prices began to rise, and the cost of our way of life began to rise, more and more people realised they could not afford their homes and began to default on their loans. So the banks are out all this money that they loaned to people whom they knew probably couldnt pay them back, and now the banks are failing. Bottom Line.
Somehow this all ties into the mega-mergers of the 90's, I know it!

Recap of my morning learning:
WaMu is no longer
Senator Mcain is going to attend the presidential debate (woohoo!)
Brad and Angie moved again (I think these two are amazing in their humanitarian work and the media needs to focus more on the selfless things they do rather than how many kids they have and if they're breaking up or not! Just a thought)
and by far the most mind boggling thing I have read yet... maybe ever but I cant say for sure...
PETA proposes that Ben & Jerry's use breast milk in its ice cream
ARE YOU SERIOUS??? Who are these people!

I wonder what the afternoon will bring...
cheers!

What would you do?

Check out this story:

Man Claims Penis Amputated Without Consent
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26890724/

The Swamp and The Crazy Horse Lady

For the past year I have lived on a ranch. Technically the ranch is on wetlands so, it would be more accurate to say, from October through April it's a swamp. On the ranch are 30 horses, one is mine, two are my love's, and the other 27 belong to the crazy horse lady (read; crazy cat lady only with horses) who pays the other half of the rent and the untilites (when she remembers).
I heart the crazy horse lady, she has some great stories about when she was cowboying in Wyoming and south-eastern Oregon, and how she learned things from 'real' old timers, and she is mostly a kick in the pants. She's got some interesting views on politics, horses, aliens, recycling and anything that may possibly have a hint of liberalism... but I respect her anyway. You can teach me something that may change my understanding, but you cant ever tell me that what I believe is wrong and what you believe is right and expect me to change my beliefs on that basis alone. She gets that, so we're good.
You know how people say never discuss Politics and Religion, well she throws horses in there too, then she talks non stop about Politics and Horses like she is the end all be all know all on both subjects and she will argue with you even when you are agreeing with her. It's amusing in small doses, and since I'm not much of a debater I let her and my love go at it while I listen in and laugh.

I grew up in the suburbs so when I first moved to the ranch I felt so lucky, not many people that I know have an opportunity to live on a ranch and take care of horses everyday. That feeling has waned substantially in the past 12 months. Dont get me wrong, I love the space. I love the horses, their sounds, their smell, their presence. I love the hay, in all of it's glorious itchiness. I even love the clockwork train that rattles my house at 7pm, 11pm, and 530am. I accepted my newly discovered allergies, and the fact that a couple cats, while annoying in their own right, are better than even a single mouse in the house.
I dont love my slowly sinking house; apparently living on a swamp has repricussions on a foundation. I dont love the musty smell it's taken on or the lovely, bar like, air quality that signifies when the crazy horse lady is home. I dont really love sharing my space, ie. other than my love and his children, no more roommates. And I dont love lugging 4 bales of hay, one at a time, through knee high mud in the rain everynight to feed 20 horses that should have been sold last spring but the crazy horse lady stayed home for 4 months then didnt stick to her plan.
This should not be misconstrued as me not loving the horses. I feel sad for the horses, I dont want to resent the horses, it's not their fault. I'm sure they wish they had thousands of acres to roam, instead of just 40. I'm sure they want endless supplies of food to keep them plump all winter long. But I know that most of them would rather be out in the field than in a stall, they dont like stalls.
Next year, come springtime, when the mares are putting new foals on the ground, and the yearlings are starting to look more like horses and less like large deer, when my newly discovered allergies flare back up, and the mud starts to get hard again, we will leave the ranch. Even in these craptacular economic times, we are planning to buy at least 5 acres, a house with room for 6 (his, mine and us), two dogs and a barn for our 3 (unmultiplying) horses.