I started over here and ended up waaayyyyy over there

What a lonley day. It was one of those mornings that would have been better spent under the down, curled up with a book.
The sunshine is leaving... I'm watching it make it's exit at this very moment.
Goodbye friend. Come back soon... like before lunch!

I'm thinking of about a billion other places I would rather be, than sitting at this desk. This is nothing new, mind you, but I feel that I have successfully accomplished every single personal task that can be completed from behind a computer. I officially need a week off just to tend to personal matters.

My To Do List:

- Contact a Minister and meet them in person
- Take new crap car in for a tune up
- Pray that a tune up is all new crap car needs
- Pick shoes and accessories for self and 4 bridesmaids
- Meet with florist
- Get house to a living state of clean before Crazy Horse Lady comes back home and fills it with smoke and grease, again!
- Find back-up house incase offer falls through
- Ride Horsey before he actually does forget what a saddle feels like
- Refrain from beating children (repeat as necessary)

It seems the clock drags to 4:30p.m. then fast forwards to 5:30a.m. and there is not a moment in between to get anything accomplished besides dinner and laundry. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to be cheerful when I get home, and I'm losing my patience with the Cowboy oldest and youngest children.

Is this what I was waiting for all my life? Let me warn the kids. Heed this advise: Your parents are right. Enjoy being a kid. Stop trying to grow up so fast. There is pleanty of time to be a grown up... just enjoy growing!

Now... get the heck out of my house. Use your imagination, thats fun part of your brain that rarely gets any exercise. Go get dirty!

(I know they aren't listening.)

~cheers!

I Am Jack's Incurable Boredom

Have you ever read a post on another blog and wondered if you had your own version of Tyler Durden and have just happened upon them? Have I started another post with another version of this very question? aw jeeze, I think I have. But I'm not going back to check.

I really just want to kill the last half hour of my work day, and it occurred to me that I don't blog anymore. Mostly, because I read what I write and am dumbfounded that anyone would read this crap so I just delete post instead of posting post.

The economy has finally struck my place of employment. Not in the sense that I'm out of a job, rather I get to come to the office every day and sit at my desk and surf the Internet and hope that the phone rings or a fax/email comes. My office has never been so organized, and frankly I'm afraid of what will happen if (when.) things pick up again. I have taken on everything because, well, there is just nothing to do. I am so very grateful that I am still employed full time, I just dont handle boredom well... I get a little stir crazy.

There has actually been a lot going on, outside of work. The House Hunt. The Wedding Plans. An Unexpected Car Quest. oh the things I have to share...

Perhaps, just maybe, I will conjure up some stories to share in the next few days. Perhaps this will keep me from reloading the Cars For Sale page on Craigslist every two minutes.

Ok, probably not. But anything is possible. Right?

~cheers!

Dear Future Father-In-Law

Remember your ex-daughter-in-law? Well, I'm nothing like her; I'm not going anywhere. So play nice. Because trust me Sir, I'm going to out live you. Which means, I can tell everyone who thinks that you're upstanding (a short list I assure you) what a bitter, rotten, bastard you really are. It also means I will likely get to speak at your funeral.

Love Always (because I'm going to be required to),
Your Adoring Almost Daughter-In-Law

PS
Just wait till I get to sign the checks ;o)
XOXO
~~~~~~~~~


I remember as a kid being told, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." I was never very good a keeping this motto.

It has taken many moons for me to learn that speaking my mind is not always the intelligent thing to do. Sometimes it's better to let other people bury themselves, than to call them out on their idiocy. While biting my tongue, quite literally at times, may be a bit painful; it's never quite as bad as eating my own words or worse having to apologise because, wrong or right, my opinions are neither wanted or appreciated.

Having said that...

I think it's best I bite my tongue.
and smile politely.

~cheers

Pirate Princess Monkey

My Daughter is the light of my world
She is my reason for breathing, for growing up, for going to work everyday, for not settling.

My Daughter once broke my nose with her forehead
I tried to pick her up while she was protesting

My Daughter is a princess
and acts accordingly, on all levels

My Daughter's life saved my life
Plain and simple

My Daughter was born with huge feet
I had to buy her 3 month socks as a newborn

My Daughter is misunderstood
Frequently

My Daughter is difficult
Just like her mother

My Daughter used to throw these intense fits
I was afraid to take her anywhere for an entire year

My Daughter is strong willed
May that never be broken

My Daughter is beautiful
And she's missing 4 teeth

My Daughter loves all things girly
I dont know where this came from

My Daughter gives the worlds best hugs
And kisses

My Daughter loves Green Eggs and Ham
Thank you, Thank you, Sam-I-Am

My Daughter is afraid of large groups of people
and the hair dryer, vaccume, bathroom fan, and coffee grinder

My Daughter can speak!
Even when she's not makign sense... they are words... and you can understand them

My Daughter has the heart of an angel
She's hurt easily, but forgives quickly

My Daughter cries if I cry
Because it makes her sad
Then she wraps her arms around me, pats my back and says "Dont be sad mommy, it's ok."

My Daughter is not violent, "spoiled", vindictive, or a brat
She is not retarded. She is not misdiagnosed.

My Daughter is Autistic.

~~~~~

I did not make Monkey autistic. I could not prevent it. Vaccines may not have caused it. No one knows what did. I dont blame anyone. I'm not angry. I dont want "justice" at the price of however millions of dollars some attorney seeks for other parents of autistic kids.

I love my daughter... with all that I am. She is healthy. She is active. She loves school and her friends. She needs patience and love, just like every single other child on this planet.

Last weekend I was out shopping with my best friend. We walked past a young mom struggling with a little girl, about 3 or 4 years old. The girl was tired, didnt want to hold her mom's hand to cross the parking lot, and eventually parked her rear on the sidewalk. The mom was trying the "good mom" things to get the child to get up and come with her, in her calm voice holding on to the girls hand... wanting to drag her along side but not willing to go to such extremes in public. The child was screaming and making a scene. The mom maintained composure. I smiled at the mom... I wanted to go over and hug her. I wanted to tell her it was going ok, that I could relate to what she was experiencing. I wanted to tell her not be embarassed, and just keep breathing, that she was doing a great job!

I love Monkey! I love her more than anything.

Oy Vey!

What a week.

The roommates came home on Sunday.
My great uncle died on Monday.
A very incredible extended friend died on Tuesday.
I found out about Monday's death on Wednesday. The funeral is next Monday.
Boss Man fired the other office goddess on Thursday.
Sing with me: "It's Friday... I'm in love"

(I'm in a weird space today. Please don't hold anything I write against me.)

I messed around on HR Block this morning to see what kind of check I could expect... turns out I owe the state more than the fed is giving me back. Please keep in mind that I already paid the state as much as I paid the fed. Figure that one out. Yes, the same state that wont do anything to make Her Dad pay me a friggin dime in child support, but gives his lazy ass food stamps because he wont get a job! Basically I get to work my butt off to be responsible and pay my bills, and when I make more than they think a family of 2 should make I get to give them money to hand out to people who aren't even citizens or who choose not to work to support themselves, let alone their kids.

(ok off that soap box.)

I did finally buy wrecking balm, it's this tattoo fading system that seems to have a very good reputation. I'm a pretty skeptical person when it comes to advertising, but I've heard from people that I actually know who have experience with it so it came highly recommended. After going in for a consultation for laser tattoo removal, I decided that $250 is worth giving a shot. I have better things to spend 5 grand on, even though having two youthful indiscretions removed is most certainly high on my to do list before the wedding.

(note to those who may not understand tattoos: Permanent doesn't mean much when you're 18-19 years old.)

I am once again reminded that I truly am the girl most people love to hate. It seems, as a rule, people do not generally like me. Maybe it's my tattoos, Maybe it's my face, in some cases I know it's a false reputation superseding me. Maybe it's something that I am totally not conscious of. Whatever it is, it seems to be much easier for people who have never spent any real amount of time with me, to hate me first.

On a better note: tomorrow I am going with my mom and sister to try on dresses. no we haven't set a date. no we dont have a venue picked out. no it's not sounding like its even going to happen in 2009. but I'm still excited to go try on pretty white dresses!

May next week fare better than this has.

~cheers!

Standing In Line pt.1

Close your eyes and imagine, with me...

(ok, don't really close your eyes unless you have transperant eyelids. you wont be able to read where you're going)

I'm next in line, on top of the Stratosphere, waiting to go on that ride that shoots you out over the edge. I'm excited, my heart is pounding, I have crazy butterflies in my tummy, and I'm just a little bit scared. What if it breaks down, and I'm left hovering over the edge of the building for hours?! What if there's a huge earthquake and the tower colapses?! What if the car I'm in goes flying off the tracks and flings me out over Las Vegas Blvd?! What if I already paid $15 for my ticket and stood in line for half an hour... I'm getting on that ride!

Overwhelmed, I am.
Trying to get My Love to call the realtor, is apparently like pulling teeth from anyone but Monkey's mouth.

(she discovered the Tooth-Fairy and has since become obsessed with wiggly teeth.)

My Love procrastinates, more than anyone I know. He can concoct the best laid plans one ever, and they remain that... plans. He has the best intentions, truly, but lacks the follow through.

(except on Christmas. but that was sporadic. in my experience, things generally work best when they are not planned.)

We are finding places that would be absolutely perfect for us. We know we will pre-qualify. So all he really has to do is make contact with two people, the realtor and the broker (I have to call my credit union guy). We decided once we are officially pre-approved from 2 sources, we can start actually visiting places we are interested in and make an offer. The process can take a couple of months (I'm told.)

I, mostly, just want assurance that we have a place. Our own home, that we can decorate however we want. Where we can play music when we want to and stomp on the floow should we choose, because no one lives below us to complain about the noise. Where I can put on a load of laundry and clean the kitchen at 3:00 in the morning, without disturbing anyone else, if I can't sleep. And having a bedroom door... that would be, just about, the best thing in the whole world. I want to know, that nothing on this earth is gong to stop us from moving. I am so over the Swamp Ranch and the sinking house and having roommates who think I'm Cinderella.

We are planning to move in June. So in his mind, we have until June. NO!! We have to get the ball rolling, like now. That way come June, amidst rodeo, camping, birthdays and school ending, we can move. and focus solely on finalizing wedding plans...

... wedding plans...

Fiance is a Funny Word

Lots to share. I am really scatterbrained today. More so than usual. I wish I had the mental capacity to write something detailed and witty or annoying, about the past week, but alas, I do not.... many apologies!

The kids have been staying with us (read: devouring everything in the kitchen) for the past week and a half. It's been quite entertaining, especially with all of the snow. (which is rapidly melting.)

The girls and I baked a Pumpkin pie and a Cherry pie for Christmas, did I tell you that already? Both of which were devoured! (YAY!) This is the first year I've made pies, usually I bring the rolls (it's traditionally safer that way) but everyone loved the pies and they have officially become my assignment. I was a little bit sad because no one ate my mom's apple or pecan pies. Except me of course, I heart Pecan Pie and I like that my mom makes one even if I'm the only one who eats it!

Christmas night... my love PROPOSED!
He went to The Shane Co, Christmas eve, and picked up the ring that we had previously decided was not going to be purchased, in favor of paying off the truck and saving for a down payment.
He spent the entirety of Christmas day trying to ask my dad. Between myself, my uncles, a fried turkey, and the mass of children playing in the snow, the opportunity did not present itself until I was getting the last of the boxes to take home.
(seriously. packing up Christmas gifts for 6 people is comparable to moving.)
Dad said, "You seem like a great guy. We would love to welcome you to the family."
(awww! I teared up when he told me that my father said that. When my bro-in-law asked to marry my sis dad said "I guess. You'll have to ask her.")
I'm engaged. I have a Fiance ... fee-on-say ... hmmm
(sounds so. formal.)

anywhoo... (I don't really know what else to say about this at this juncture.)

Monkey lost one of her front teeth yesterday. She looks like a pirate and has a very adorable lisp going. When she lost her bottom two teeth, she flushed them both down the toilet! She threw this tooth in the garbage and the girls were kind enough to fish it out then call me and tell me the news. When I left for work this morning there was another, mysterious, silver dollar in the baggie on the counter.

She left the tooth fairy a note under her chalk board saying: Tooth Fairy, my tooth is on the counter. that way you wont wake up the girls. love, pirate princess monkey hannah montana. (this is her new given name by the way.)

The Crazy Horse Lady is due home today, after a month on the road. I'm not much looking forward to her return and I pray that it will be short. Any more than a week, I may start looking for temporary housing in the barn...

There is my short recap. Wedding plans and House hunting adventures are sure to trickle through in many upcoming posts. and I promise (I hope) the pin-wheel effect of my brain will slow and I will come up with something note-worthy to post about.

~cheers!

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas!

Good Morning (or afternoon, or evening) Happy Christmas Eve (or Merry Christmas or day after)!

Cheers and stuff! I hope you're staying warm and feeling loved and blessed, and that you're spending the holiday with the people (or person) that means the most to you.

If you happen to be stuck in an airport, I still hope that someone who rocks your world is there with you and that you have made a potentially uncomfortable situation into an unforgettable adventure, filled with laughter that might, by now, be bordering on delirium. Because sometimes, all you can do is laugh and make the best of a crappy situation, right!

(smile and nod, if just for the sake of not arguing.)
(see. all better.) :o)

A few weeks ago I posted about getting healthy and making a commitment to myself to get my butt back into shape... well... yeah, I was fully committed for a week! (YAY-BOOOO) and not to blame the weather (or the incredibly irresistible Christmas goodies that have taken over an entire counter in my kitchen) I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks! I do believe I have failed in my goal of not gaining a single pound during the holidays. So today, I walk. I am going to brave the feet of snow out there and get out of the office for at least half an hour and get some friggin' exercise!

Some observations from the past couple of days:

Teen-aged boys are sneaky, manipulative, selfish, and yet incredibly willing and handy, thus essential (perhaps we can lock him in a cage and only let him out to bathe and work)

Pre-Teen girls tattle, endlessly, for anything that they think is a punishable offence. (especially when the offender is a teen-aged boy, whom they think is cute or to whom they are related)

Kindergartners idolise teenagers/preteens, mimic their every move/word, and somehow think that when teens are around Mommy is not in charge.

When teen-aged boys, who don't have to follow rules because they know everything, walk across frozen ponds (followed by kindergartners) because they are invincible and think nothing bad can happen to them... Mom gets her truck detailed!

Merry Christmas! Feliz Navidad! Fröhliche Weihnachten! Nollaig Shona!

Finding Balance Between Man and Woman "Things"

"I Only Have To Cook and Clean?! SWEET!" was the original title...

But I my Mother, who won't read this anyway, would be deeply offended if I published that. She raised my sister and I to be very self-sufficent. "A girl can do anything a boy can do! Just buck-up and get it done." --- Thus, a short line of worthless "men" have streamed through her dining room, most of whom did not even know where the engine oil goes or how to start a lawn mower! (but show them an XBox or Playstation and they could be "busy" for days)

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Obviously, I made it in to work today. My Love had to work so I had to drive myself this morning. I've been chauffeured for the past 3 days because his truck = BIG FORD, my truck = Girl Toyo, and well, I like it when he goes out of his way to take me where I need to go. It makes me feel loved and a little girly, which is nice sometimes.

Driving in was actually pretty fun! My girl truck will go anywhere and I have a renewed faith in myself, the Lord, and my ability to get around no matter what. I don't need no stinking man! ...

(but I love him and I will keep him always)

I like knowing that I can take care of my self. I can change a tire, fix a leaky pipe, hang a shelf, paint a room, and defend myself.

(there's more but I dont want to brag.) <--- = sarcasm, for those who missed it
(smile!)

But finding a Man who,

(1) works for a living
(2) takes care of "man things" at home
and
(3) appreciates my:
desire to learn "man things"
enthusiasm about getting my hands dirty
and doesnt mind that I'll throw down and defend him if I think I need to.

has given me a new appreciation for being a woman.

I hate it when guys treat women like they're weaker because they're women, then expect them to take care of everything while they play XBox or watch football or NASCAR. HELLO! Maybe I want to watch football and NASCAR!

(or go shopping for something besides groceries)

But letting a man act like a man, thus assuming the role of a woman (without becoming prissy and helpless), is not a bad thing. Finding that balance is ... refreshing!

Sometimes, even un-princessy girls like to know there is a big strong man who can (and will happily) take care of things that have traditionally been "Man Things". You know what I'm talking about... changing the oil in your girl truck, fixing broken things around the house, roping unruly horses (then getting drug like a water skier up the gravel driveway when said horses take off like a boat), getting up at 3 in the morning to get you a bottle of water because you woke up thirsty, driving you to work, then out to lunch, when there is 3 feet of snow on the ground... you know, "Man Things".

A man who is willing to do these "Man Things" deserves to have a respectably clean home, his feet and back rubbed, a home cooked meal (at least 4 nights a week), his lunch made in the morning (even if it's left overs), and clean folded laundry... you know, "Woman Things".

A few days a week I help load and unload 40 bales of hay, then get in the back of the truck and throw 4 bales of hay in the field; at least once a week he takes me out to dinner, occasionally he'll mate his own socks and fold the towels, or vaccume or something.

He takes care of me, I take care of him. It's all about balance.

~cheers!

Plotting Evil Things Against Children is More Fun Than I Thought

My Love's children are some of the best behaved kids I've ever met. (truly.) You can take them anywhere and they are age appropriately mature and respectful towards people whom they are not related to. Having said that...

So seriously, my going to be step-son is 13 years younger than I am.

He thinks he knows everything, and what he doesn't know he thinks he doesn't need to know. The other day we were all watching TV and something was mentioned about a prosthetic hand and my love asked him if he knew what a prosthetic was and he said, "Don't need to."

Most days I simultaneously heart him, and want to beat him in the head with the muck shovel.

The little turd memorised the combo to the gun safe. The gun safe that we bought specifically to keep his grubby little hands off the guns. (I keep typing fun instead of gun... hehehe) See, he gets bored like most ADOS people and starts to snoop around and getting into stuff. The kid is always in trouble, mostly because he has ZERO respect for other people's things and he has a really crappy-I'm too cool for this-what are you gonna do about it-attitude.

(again with the shovel beating)

He thinks school is pointless, because he doesn't get it so he spends his days being "popular" and watching flies rather than asking for help and doing his school work. He is living with this illusion that life is grand and he can skate through it and will still make enough money to shop at Hollister, live in a huge house, drive a brand new car..... you know, all those illusions that 14 year olds have.

I'm sad to say, his dad rides him about the most menial things. So it really does seem like he cant do anything right. So when he does something really stupid, like getting into the gun (I did it again!) safe, or failing all of his classes, or making a bow and shooting a plastic arrow into the sheet rock in the garage or going through the DVDs in my room as though they were his own... the list of stupid things goes on and on and on... there is no differentiating between big things and him forgetting to take out the trash.

Since we are planning to get a house in June anyway, we have decided to move him in with us for the rest of the school year, starting after Christmas break. The school he goes to now is a pretty typical, over populated, suburban middle school. The new school is K-8 and has one classroom of 8th graders... tee hee... mwahahaha... and I'm not nearly as lax as he thinks I am on the weekends. Yes, this plan is sneaky and probably evil, but it's also for his own good!

It kinda sucks...I really want to have his back and make my love stop riding him so hard, but inevitably every single time I try to back him up he's lied or manipulated or just plain effed up and I look the fool. Fortunately my love knows all his tricks... I'm just discovering that I truly can not trust him and I don't like learning that about people. Especially people (kids or adults) that I have defended and tried to put my faith in.

Oh Crap! I forgot to check the mail

There is something very appropriate about SweetTarts being my favorite non-candy bar candy.

Snickers are my favorite candy bar.

My boss is a crazy man. He is very generous and funny most of the time. Perhaps crazy is not fair, we have similar personalities and I most certainly am not crazy.
(What?! I'm not...)
For some reason, when he is getting along with his wife he is mean to me. They fight a lot, today they are not fighting.

My love is letting me down more and more lately. It's kind of bumming me out. Last night he explained what's going on... "I got you hooked, now I can be my real self." While he was smiling when he said it, so NOT funny. Mostly because it's true. But the same goes for me I guess.

Little personality quirks come out once you live with someone. It's not always pretty, but we still love each other completely.

I'm not ready for Christmas.

I still don't know what to get my love, and for the first time that I'm aware of, I'm just not feelin' the Christmas spirit this year. Usually I've got tons of ideas and I'm rarin' to go shop and buy tons of well thought out gifts for everyone. This year I'm more like, tell me what you want and I'll go get it and put it in a pretty bag and call it good.
I'm not scroogin', I'm just not... Merry...

I've heard that life is what's happening while you're waiting for it to begin. This is very enlightening and all, but really I've been waiting to get married and settle down since I was in like 4th grade. I like my life, but I really want to buy a house and have my family now. Settled... Secure... you know, little things.

I'm very much stuck in the middle... but I don't know what I'm in the middle of. "Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am... stuck in the middle with you."

Why is it significantly easier for people to talk about all the bad things rather than the good things? There is definitely a stigma attached to talking about all of the wonderful blessings we have in our lives... it feels like bragging and no one wants to hear it.

The other night we talked about the trick of literature in eliminating the unessential, so that we are given a concentrated dose of life. I said almost indignantly, “It’s a deception and the cause of much disappointment. One reads books and expects life to be just as full of interest and intensity.And, of course, it isn’t so. There are many dull moments in between,and they, too, are natural. You, in your writing, have played the same trick. I expected all our talks to be feverish, portentous. I expected you always drunk, and always delirious. Then when we lived together for a few days, we fell into a profound, quiet, natural rhythm.” – pp 170 ~ Henry and June by Anais Nin

Anais Nin Rocks! or did rock, she's deceased, but her writing lives, therefore she continues to rock.

Anne Rice, John Grisham and Danielle Steel, also rock!

Spike Lee does not rock... in fact I think he pretty much does exactly the opposite of rocking.
Same goes for the Governor of Illinois who tried to auction off Obama's Senatorial Seat. Mister Blagojevich you are the epitome of what is wrong with our country's political process. I hope you spend the rest of your life in a maximum security prison for the criminally insane. (no country club for you!)

Still enjoying the SweetTarts.

Yesterday, I ran 3 miles in 30 minutes on the elliptical.

Then I unloaded and stacked 40 bales of hay ~ with a hole in my hand (more on this), fed the horses, then made dinner and got all the laundry folded!
Yesterday was a good day.

This whole ring thing is bugging me more than I realised. I don't know why he took me ring shopping in the first place... I mean I do know, and his intentions were good, but the time is obviously not right and he needs to not buy it right now. So naturally I'm a little put off. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm disappointed, I know what his money picture looks like and if it meant that much to him... like if he really wanted to do it, he could.

eh... whatever... que sera sera, right?!

I have a dime sized hole in my hand, accompanying an eraser sized blister on my thumb. See, yesterday after I kicked ass at the gym I went to get my Christmas stuff out of storage and when I got there I realised the my love never checked the oil in my truck, which likely explained the horrible sound the engine was making. So after I loaded up all my Christmas boxes I popped the hood and pulled out the dip-stick (the one for the oil, not my soon to be step-son) and sure enough... it was EMPTY!!!! I had ZERO oil in the 1 year old engine of my 15 year old pickup! So I, genius that I am, tried in vain to get the oil cap off the engine so I could add a quart - which was all that I had in the truck because when you have a man as handy as mine it becomes no longer your job to make sure the truck has oil in it. But the engine was still too hot, so the cap was suctioned on and wouldn't move. So I'm standing on the brush guard, in my gym clothes, bent over under the hood, grunting and gripping and trying as hard as I can to get the damn thing to come loose, and instead I got a HUGE blister on my hand. A blister that eventually tore open and started weeping and stinging because the engine compartment (or actually, the entire truck) needs a serious bath in degreaser. So, finally feeling defeated (which I hate) I went to the storage place office and shamefully asked if a man was available to assist me. Which got me one of those sarcastic-you're one of those princessey girls who cant take care of herself-looks. But when I explained what happened and showed her the weeping blister she immediately wiped the sarcastic-you're one of those princessey girls who cant take care of herself-look off her face, and sent her assistant out to help me. He, of course, got the cap off like he was opening a plastic jar of peanut butter... (of course he did!)

I've decided that when making up words, like princessey, it's ok to not worry about spelling.

Running out of SweetTarts

oooh! Peppermint Tea

Cheers!

Well That Wont Do At ALL!

Howdy!


So I don't post as often as I originally planned, but I'll work on that... perhaps. I've been cyber-stalking many other blogs for inspiration whilst taking special care not to be a blog stealer... there is definitely some entertaining stuff out there!


The past year and a half has been one of continual change for me. Change for the better, which is still stressful, just much more enjoyable.

I quit smoking (YAY!) I got a new job, which I basically enjoy, that actually supports me and Monkey without forcing us to live on Mac and Cheese and Ramen. I met a new man, a real man, a man's man, and subsequently fell in love (awwwww).

I moved just far enough out of the city to be away from everything, yet close enough to see my family and commute to work.



I became a dog owner,
a horse owner,





a "going to be step-mom",
and got unofficially engaged (or pretend married as we affectionately call it).


I went to my first Rodeo.





I learned what real friendship is and more importantly what it is NOT; in this lesson I also learned that I truly am blessed with an amazing family and I have taken that for granted for most of my life.... oh yeah, and a delightful patch of cellulite has taken up residence in that lovely area just below my ASS!

Big Changes!

Seriously, just before tanning season last spring I was drying off getting ready to lather my skin with coco butter and there it was... this dimply, some what chicken skin resembling patch just below what used to be my cute and perky butt... "What the hell is that?" escaped my lips as I ran my finger tips over my skin. I started my spring tanning but it never went away. I tried to hide it from my love... and myself. But when I start hiding my body, I lose confidence and from there everything begins to sink. Ever since that day it seems I can feel my thighs and my tush expanding...filling out my jeans in a whole new way... and I don't like it!



In the course of all the wonderful changes, have gained about 25 pounds. Now, I will say that I was probably not at my healthiest two years ago. I fit into a size 2, but everyone who knew me told me I needed to gain some weight. But this 25 pounds of "Happy Weight", does not feel good on my body. I've been reading (as I stated) a lot of blogs in the past couple of months, and there is a common theme to much of what I'm reading.... being healthy! Not just losing weight and 'ideal' size, or what diet someone is on. It's about getting happy and being healthy.

I get pretty unfriendly when I'm feeling like crap about myself. I tend to drive people away from me, subconsciously, which really just makes me feel worse about myself and deepens the hole I crawl into. So I've been trying really hard lately to stop snipping at people, and complaining about everything I can think of, and taking things personally, and pushing people away.... but I feel like crap and my jeans keep getting tighter and I'm craving all these really unhealthy foods (donuts, candy...CRAP!) and nothing is satisfying me. I joined a gym in October and have gone exactly twice, meanwhile I KNOW that if I just got my rear back into shape (oh how I miss it's shape), that I would feel better be nicer and the negativity around me would begin to dissipate.

So, I am making my resolution for 2009 a month early. Starting today, I will get back into my workout routine, I will not give in to those pesky cravings, and I will stop drinking beer or wine or whiskey and seven, every night! I am going to use this Blog to keep myself on track, so if you are reading, a little encouragement goes a LONG way with me :o)

My Goals (set 1):


To lose 10 pounds before Valentines day.

To run 1 mile without stopping.

To utilize my gym membership by, at a MINIMUM, going to cycling every week.


LET THE BUTT SHAPING BEGIN!

Cherry Popsicle ~ Peppermint Mocha

Some quiet would be nice.
Nothing profound or exotic.
Just some quiet.
And perhaps a little fresh air.

A beach ride perhaps.
Just me and Tanner (he doesnt talk much)
To rest. To breathe. To feel life.
Peaceful - Timeless.

perhaps
...
A storm-walk.
The thundering silence
of waves and rain,
washing over me
soaking to my bones.

A Moment of Clarity Is All I Need

Have you every had a relationship (romantic or working or whatever) in which communication seems nearly impossible. When every exchange of words is a struggle for clarity and understanding? I work with two people like this and I don't know why but this struggle for meaning and clarity (over menial and seemingly simple requests) is beginning to seep into my home life.

For instance, I ask RF to what the price is on some item he sent to one of our customers. I hate asking him anything, but it is occasionally necessary, this time because he didn't specify on his packing list. Which is something he typically does in abundance.

Seriously, it's rediculious; one time he turned in a gas reciept for the delivery truck. He used the company card so I knew, exactly what it was just looking at the reciept. But just to be helpful he wrote on the reciept "Gas, Foundry". Cool. But in case that was not enough, he then tapes the reciept to a full sized peice of paper and writed in blue sharpie "Foundry, Gas on MasterCard!!!". Because the reciept from Arco that said Mastercard - Foundry xxxx,wouldn't have been clear enough?!?

RF can not just answer a question? He has to delve into this long winded story, telling me repeatedly that he knows I dont need all this information and/or "I know you dont care", about where the part comes from, what it's for and what we charged five years ago and each price increase since then and the reason behind each price increase and how my use of the heater, when he left the door open, is causing global warming in some abstract way... to conclude that the price we charged 6 months ago is the current price because our boss has a deal worked out with that specific customer so they aren't currently charged a metal surcharge...
um, thanks... what was the original question??

Why can't I just get a straight to the point, no extra details crap, honest to goodness clear answer? Is that really too much to ask? Possibly.

I ask my love what he wants for dinner, and he says either "Food" or "Whatever you feel like making."
This, of course, flusterates me to no end, because clearly if I had some idea of what I wanted to eat I would say:
"my love, hows chili sound for dinner?" as I'm chopping the veggies and cooking the meat to throw in the pot that is already simmering.
or
"my love, wny don't you start the grill so these steaks are done when the potatos are ready?"

I pretty much know what he likes, but I tend to get stuck in ruts so I ask him for input in order to mix things up a bit. But I am learning to provide options...
"my love, would you rather have chicken or pork ribs?"
to which he typically says
"whatever you want to make honey."
(grrrrrrr)
But on occasion, he'll actually make a counter suggestion:
"How bout tortellini, that's quick and easy, so then you can relax."
(awwwwe)
Yea, it's the little things that keep me loving him! Truly.

Prince Charming Was A Cowboy, You Know

Did I mention that I don't usually look forward to things because inevitably when I am really really looking forward to something or counting on something, it falls through...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I keep writing draft posts and never getting back to them... seriously you, I could slap them all in one extended post and see what happens. I don't see that people actually read what I'm writing anyway so it might make for an interesting read one day, maybe today.

I used to LOVE writing. But I only write when things are bothering me. It's safer to write then to actually talk about whats going on in my head, fewer people will think I'm crazy that way. My sister was recently reintroduced to my roller coaster. I thought I'd give my mom a break from my rides and call my sister instead, you know just to mix it up a bit, I wouldn't want anyone to feel neglected or left out here. We went to dinner the other night and I was talking about how maybe I shouldn't have told anyone we went ring shopping and she got this serious look on her face and said I did a complete 360 in the last two weeks. Which is probably true, but I have a lot of time to ponder things that shouldn't be pondered while I'm at work (obviously, I'm blogging here) and I tend to think the worst of things and make little things into big significant catastrophic events, then once I talk about them I realize how incredibly silly I'm being and it's all over, but if I don't talk (or write) about what is bothering me it just gets bigger and bigger until it in no way resembles what the original thought was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So sometimes (read: typically) definitely means it might happen... but it doesn't. So generally about the time I get really excited about something and start talking about it like it's a for sure thing, it doesn't happen. So, when I wrote that we are definitely going to buy a house after the first of the year it was tongue in cheek (but if I typed it wouldn't it be keys in screen or something) Now we're talking about just renting for a year... so we'll see what happens there.

We did, on a totally awesome note, go on a surprise trip to the jeweler last weekend. When we left he kept looking at me out of the corner of his eye and smiling, and finally said "You thought I was full of crap, didn't you?"
Of course me being a girl (occasionally I am girly) I couldn't keep that little bit to myself so I told my best friend then my sister and blurted it to my Gram... and the ring (YAY!) is just on layaway, and while we've playfully proposed to eachother at different times we are not officially engaged, so it's not even really for sure either. But, considering her dad told me I wasn't worth a ring, this is a really big thing to me and I'm letting myself be excited.


Bottom line (or middle line, we'll see where this ends up): I have never been in a healthy relationship until I met my love. I tend to seek out worthless boys who I make my project. Historically, these boys don't want to be fixed and it takes me 2 years to realize that, and another year to give up and accept that I have wasted another phase of my life... I have done this twice. Another time it only took a year for the worthless child to turn tail and run, because he knew I was smarter, stronger, and better than him in every conceivable way, and it was just a matter of time before I burried him!

So now, here I am with a man who takes care of things and is so incredibly amazing in every category... he's sexy, he's intelligent, he's responsible, he treats me right, he treats me like a lady without over doing it, he brings me flowers at the most random and unexpected times, he doesn't do drugs, he takes care of his kids (and his parents, which is good and bad), he loves me and he tells me so every single day, he's faithful, he respects me, he accepts me for who I am (tattoos and all), and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me! and the best part is... HE'S REALLY REAL!

So of course I'll find little things to question, because this doesn't happen to me... I must be dreaming... Do I really get a prince, who carries me off into the sunset on the back of his horse, or actually buys me my own horse because I said "I really like that one", and we live happily ever after?!!


(SWEET!)

Planning to 'Wing it'

I didnt sleep well last night, and the lingering effects are that of a hangover. I look like crap, I feel like crap, I really want to curl up and go to sleep, and I have heartburn that I think was spawned from the delecious black forest mocha I wasnt going to indulge in this morning... I hate heartburn. It reminds me of being pregnant, when I ate berry flavored tums like they were candy. I'm cranky and I dont want to work, which is another unfortunate part of it being Monday because of course there is alot of stuff for me to procrastinate on. And for some reason the more I try to procrastinate the more my office becomes a central meeting point for everyone else who wants to procrastinate but make it look like they're really working, which makes it really hard to fake working. I mean, it sounds like I'm working so all should be good... maybe.

So over the weekend I was thinking about this blog. I really just need a sounding board, a place to write. Some place where others may eventually read what I put into words, and even comment some time. I really enjoy reading other people's blogs, I'm possibly even a little envoius of all the people who discovered this excellent time killer long before I. This is not MySpace, WOO HOO! or Facebook. This isnt a popularity contest, at least not in the same sense as other "social networking" sites. It's refreshing to me, at least at this point... I'm babbling arent I? ok... rewind...

Thinking about this blog over the weekend, and all of the things I could write about and it struck me that I could easily write a biography of the past ten years in one blog just to get all of the background to where I am now... but rest assured, I wont. I'm sure some things will come to surface in my entries because every event in the past 8 years or so has lead up to exactly where I am in my life right now. People talk about regrets and if only's, but I can honeslty say that while I have made some really selfish and just plain BAD choices, I do not regret a single one. I know, in my soul, that if I changed even one key event of the past 8 years, I wouldnt be in the relationship I'm in, I wouldn't be living the life I am living, and I wouldn't be happier (in the big scheme of things) than I ever could have imagined. I have an amazing daughter, a decent paying job, a mostly loyal puppy, a work in progress 4 year old buckskin quarterhorse, and plans to marry the man of my dreams once we work out some details. Who could ask for more than that?